I've been working all summer, taking off afternoons to swim, and listening to Jpop. What an odd phase I am in. I guess I have a few thoughts to share. More for myself than for you.
I am a slacker, I freely, but do not proudly admit. In fact, I will probably hate writing this post and admitting all of this to myself. I came back from school motivated and ready to work. I cleaned my room to the best of my ability and got rid of a ton of stuff. I was generally productive, but still slept a lot. I haven't really been able to find a groove this summer. Except for swimming. I love swimming. I'm very average at it, but I enjoy it and it is a way to exercise and stay out of the heat. I go several times a week to do laps. But really, that is one of the few things that is stable in my life. I created a lot of bad habits over the school year, specifically with my sleeping and eating habits. I can stay up all night with no problem. It is really terrible. I go to bed much later than people should, and have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thank God for foundation, but that is beside the point. Swimming has helped with that a little bit because it makes me tired, but I will still stay up on my computer even if I am tired. I was reading a lot a few weeks ago, but then I ran out of books. So, I am back on the computer. It is seriously sucking away my life.
It is finally starting to sink in that this is my last summer unmarried. Nick and I are planning to get married next year, and I am so very, very unprepared. I am not the woman I want to be. I am 21 years old, but I don't feel like an adult at all. College has been rough for sure. I wanted my "college experience" to help me become an intelligent, wise, woman. A lady. But, the only results I have seen are me slipping further and further from the person I want to be. I know perfectly well that it is my own fault. And let me tell you, I am very ashamed of it. When I left for university I had a very close relationship with God. Now I hardly have one at all. It makes me disgusted with myself that I could fall so far. I think if there is any advise I could give people getting ready to go to school or have just started college, it would be to faithfully take some time to not be busy, no matter how hard. Becoming involved and busy in things is one of the easiest and most common way for satan to pull you away from God. I would know. I do know. I have been pretty isolated most of my college career. I didn't have a roommate for the last two years. Not by choice, it just happened, but all the same there was no one to silently keep me in check. I have friends, friends that I love very much, but I only see them now an then. I spend my weekends with Nick, which is fine, I love Nick and love to see him. Sometimes though, I feel like I have missed out on building other relationships (I'm not blaming him, that is just the way it has happened-I wouldn't trade him for anything). This fall, I will be living in a townhouse. I will have a roommate, and will be living with 7 other girls. I desperately want to become close to them and to my other classmates. Friendship is such a valuable and thing and after college, meeting people will be more and more difficult. I do not want to be one of those moms that has no friends. I know most of my good friends live in other states, but that is ok. I would rather have friends that I just talk to online or over the phone than none at all.
I have less than a year to turn my life around. I want to be a wife that is deserving of Nick. I want to grow and mature into a woman that can be a mother (which is a terrifying thought to the person I am right now) that is Godly, gentle, and upright. I want to be able to smile genuinely. I want to be reliable. I don't have to have it all down right away, but I do want to get married with no regrets about the person I am. When you get married you are committing to become one with that person. I'm sure I have no idea what that means now, but I know that the "one" we will become will be lacking if I bring myself as I am now. So this summer, I want to jump start my journey to becoming an adult. Not just in age, but in mind. I still want to be me, and to be silly, but I want to be prepared to bring all of me -proudly- to my marriage. I want to be someone that you can be proud of calling your friend.
